The scream of silence

It was unexpected. I’ve never screamed before. And yet here I was on my hands and knees unable to stop crying and screaming. My precious little bunny’s body lay on the ground. Dead. And I was just so upset.

Every day my bunny greets me at her pen. It is a small act of cuteness in this very un-cute world. She was joy wrapped in fur with floppy ears. And I’ve needed small moments of joy lately. The small has felt big lately.

I couldn’t stop myself from screaming. No, No, No. Maybe it’s because I couldn’t scream when I was kept from my father in the hospital for months because of COVID. Maybe it’s because I couldn’t scream when I was finally able to see him but we only had two weeks together before he died.

But can we all just admit the world is very scream-worthy right now?

When the pandemic started and my kids were at home, I looked for ways to make the most of it. When it continued and I had to help my daughter’s grieve the loss of their grandfather and seeing their friends and school, I quietly assured them. When there was no end in sight, I stoically told them at least we were safe, had jobs, and were healthy.

But every day brings new racial inequality and hate to life. Every day brings a political world that shows us our worst. Fires literally rage. We literally rage. Every day the COVID body count ticks up with someone’s mother, daughter, father, and son lost. Shouldn’t we be screaming?

As a woman and a mom, we hold it together. My calendar is full of my meetings, and school material pick-ups, and don’t forget this for virtual class days. I worry about what my kids eat and don’t, and if they are exercising enough. And I’m still pointing out every beautiful leaf on a walk to remind them that even during tough times there is so much beauty. I do my job, hit my deadlines, and make sure the homework gets done, the laundry gets done, meals get made. And it’s no surprise that I, we, everyone are all feeling a little done.

So yeah, losing my pet of 5 years made me scream. And I never lose it. I’m the one who speaks at the funeral because you know I can hold it together. I’m the one who makes the calls when something is wrong because I can have hard conversations.

And yet here I was, screaming so loud my neighbors probably wondered what was happening. I screamed for the loss of life in front of me but also for the loss of my ordinary life.

And after it was over, all I could wonder was with all that is going on right now in the world, isn’t silence odder?

So, I’m writing this for strong women like me. I’m writing this for the tired. I’m writing this for everyone who is feeling a bit undone. I’m giving you permission. To lose it. To scream. To kick a garbage can and say this sucks! Go ahead, lose your shit. Then straighten up your ponytail, roll up your sleeves, and get back to work, caring, dinner, all the things. But it’s ok to break. It’s ok to not be ok with today’s new world of constant zoom meetings and not seeing your friends. It’s ok to grieve thanksgiving without your extended family and to worry about your grandma. It’s ok for the loss of a little pet to feel really big.

We don’t have to silently pretend our new life is normal. And you know what, we don’t have to be normal through any of this.